Sunday Snippet: Diary of a Vegetarian Zombie by Maysam Yabandeh

Posted May 26, 2024 by Jen in Sunday Snippet Tags:

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Diary of a Vegetarian Zombie

Author: Maysam Yabandeh
Publisher: Self-Published
Release Date: March 1, 2024
Genre: Fantasy/Satire


To Humans:

There was once an idea called Übermensch, the Beyond-man. The one that grasps the earthly world with relish and gratitude. The one that gives meaning to life on Earth. Beyond-man is only one, but it would take reproducing millions of humans over many generations for her to evolve into existence. That was the idea. An idea gone wrong. Hundreds of generations later, and yet none of you have come close to anything that could be even remotely considered Beyond-man. Instead, you got stuck on the reproduction part. You screwed and screwed and screwed as if it is the sole purpose of your existence. You grew like a cancer, beyond control, to billions of littering, resource-sucking poopers.

Book cover of Diary of a Vegetarian Zombie by Maysam YabandehSickening from the plague of mortal humans—you degenerate species—Mother Earth is on the verge of irreversible and disastrous damages. It’s time for the overdue cure, and immortal zombies are it. We are the army of God, the guardian angels of Earth, the force of righteousness. Your pretend slogan has been ‘making the world a better place’. As God is our witness, we will make it a better place, without humans in it. A happy Earth is a human-free Earth.

For thousands of years, Earth, with all her finite resources, was handed to you on a silver platter, free of charge. She gave herself to you; her unconditional love and her sublime beauty. And asked nothing in return. All you had to do was live and let live. And look at her now. Look what you did to her. You, filthy creatures. You did to Earth what a savage pig would do to a beauty.

When life gives us a lemon, we make lemonade. But you humans, when life gives you a lemon, you suck it dry, exhaust it of all its moisture. Not because you need it, and not even because you enjoy it, but because you can. It is just in your nature to take everything to its extreme. To exhaust resources to the very end, while you are still alive, while you still can.

It is perhaps not even your fault. It’s in the nature of a fallible, mortal creature to have no vision beyond its lifetime. All your little minds are capable of envisioning is to maximize your wealth, expand your belongings, collect as much stuff as possible and label them with your name, calling it ownership. Your mortal minds are incapable of imagining millions of years ahead, let alone the next century. You do not have the slightest interest in how Mother Earth will look in a million years, what your greed is doing to our beloved planet, and what irreversible damages you are inflicting upon her.

We zombies, on the other hand, are gifted with immortality. Zombies do not die. Thousands and millions of years after you vanish from this sacred place, we will be still here, suffering from the damages that you have inflicted upon Mother Earth. We care because we will be here. You don’t because you won’t.

Mother Earth is injured, and you humans, instead of treating the wound, suckle its blood like vampires. If we leave the affairs up to you, Mother Earth will soon be left bloodless; dead and dry. We need to act now and we need to act fast; before it is too late. We are sick and tired of watching your malfunctioning democracy miserably fail to reach any consensus on saving Mother Earth. Enough of never-ending debates, enough of corporate-backed media manipulating minds, enough of a wealthy few holding the strings, controlling the masses like puppets. Zombies do not argue. We skip the conversation and jump right into conversion. We do not bother to convince your retarded minds of the path of righteousness. We are right, and we know it. And by God willing, we will make you get it too. We shove it down your throat or up your ass, whichever you prefer.

If history has taught us anything, it is that this is the way to get things done: shoving the right way down the throat of wrong-minded people resisting it. Slavery would still be a thing if good people had left its fate to debates and rational arguments. But thankfully the righteous majority rose and forced the right path forward onto the backward minority; with the blade of their swords, the fire of their rifles, and the roar of their cannons. Although it took 850,000 lives to enforce it, history testifies that using force was the correct way; the only way. That is the lesson we learned and that is the approach we are employing to save the environment.

You, unworthy humans, have failed God. He gave you the Earth and you messed it up. Guess what? Your lease has expired. Adios. Bye-bye. God clearly wants you extinct, and it is our pleasure to do God’s work on His behalf. And you should be grateful too. It is not like we terminate your worthless life. On the contrary, we give you the gift of immortality. We convert you to become a better being, a zombie. Once you are one of us, you will see the world clearly through the lens of eternity. Then you will start to care about the environment like we do. Then you will start acting like you should; like a zombie would.

It is unbelievable how far your false-news agencies go into hiding the truth about Earth, climate change, and zombies. Do not even get me started on the perverted portrayal of zombies in your literature as well as in the motion pictures. Since 1968 and George Romero’s ridiculous travesty, Night of the Living Dead, your miserable propaganda machine systematically portrays the good-natured zombies as blood-thirsty, heartless, flesh-eating savages. Your center for disease control and prevention, CDC, even has issued an official guideline on how to survive a zombie apocalypse! 1 This is just sad; the last desperate attempt of a soon-to-be-extinct species. Go ahead, do your thing. Make your move. Make us look bad. Enjoy the fleeting governance of the looting darkness while it still lasts. The truth, however, will not remain covered forever.

Similarly to you, we zombies also have two sighted eyes, two functioning ears, and a beating heart. The difference is that we can see, we can comprehend, and we can feel. We are not the one who is dead; you are. There will come a day when the dark clouds can no longer hide the sun behind them. The day when the light reigns over our beloved planet again. And on that day it shall be known who is the angel and who is the demon. Once we convert enough of you, the truth will prevail and the rest of you will be guided to the path of righteousness. Until that day, watch out! You might be the next lucky convert who receives the gift of immortality.

Earth’s Truly

Zander, the Z2001

About the Book:

In a world torn apart by never-ending political debates, a coalition of violent zombies emerges, seeking to save the Earth from mankind by force. Once bitten, humans are converted to eco-friendly zombies. Enter Zander, a peaceful, vegetarian zombie defies the way of zombies by kissing humans instead of violently biting them. Frustrated by his disobedience, they assign Zander the impossible mission of converting Crystal, a mysterious woman residing in the depths of the Wild West. Throughout his mission, Zander finds himself caught in the crossfire between liberal and conservative ideologies, leading him to question his dearest beliefs and learn to see the world from different perspectives.

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About the Author:

Dr. Maysam Yabandeh is a computer scientist graduated from Ecole Polytechnique Fédérale de Lausanne in Switzerland.